TOPIC: Adoption Is Lifelong: Counseling Support for Every Stage of the Journey
POST BY: Lyla Mills, LMSW - CLICK HERE TO SEE HER BIO
WRITTEN: June 26, 2025
WILL BE REVIEWED: June 2028
True adoption-competent counseling is hard to find. First, understanding the different types of adoption and the nuances that are attached to them is key. Examples of some of the different types are: International adoptions, domestic adoptions which is a category that can be broken down into several more categories —> foster to adopt, open/closed adoptions, transracial adoptions, and kinship adoptions.
Then, after beginning to understand the types, comes understanding just how much adoptees hold onto and how unique their journey is in life.
Adoptees often wrestle with what are known as the 7 Core Issues of Adoption:
1. Loss
2. Rejection
3. Guilt + Shame
4. Grief
5. Identity
6. Intimacy
7. Mastery/Control
These aren’t just checkboxes or one-time hurdles. The 7 Core Issues are themes adoptees revisit again and again throughout their lives. Each stage of life brings new layers to the story, new pieces to examine, re-examination of old pieces of the story, and sometimes, even old wounds reopen.
Adoptees’ stories are so vastly unique — there can be extremely positive ones, extremely heartbreaking ones, andextremely complex ones… but the common thread of dealing with the 7 core issues of adoption is something that all adoptees share. It is vitally important to find a therapist who truly understands this.
Adoption awareness is not just about knowing that adoption exists; it is about understanding how profoundly it shapes the lives and identities of adoptees, birth/first families, and adoptive parents, often in ways that society (& even some therapists) miss entirely.
There is a misconception that adoption trauma “fades” as you get older. And some people have the lens of “Adoption doesn’t have trauma”, or they think, “What part of adoption is trauma? We use that word too much.” Adoption trauma doesn’t just disappear AND there’s always trauma, whether complex, prenatal, preverbal, or acute.
Adoption-competent therapy is all about using evidence-based modalities and relational presence to help the adoptee process and make meaning of their story. It means working with someone who respects your adoption vocabulary: What do you call your adoption day? Do you celebrate it? How do you feel about that day? What do you call your adoptive parents? Your birth parents?
For adult adoptees, adoption-competent therapy can explore how adoption shows up in your attachment style, your relationships, your marriage, and your parenting. This work is deeply personal and it’s never too late to begin.
An example of creative intervention and metaphor utilizing an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy lens that I, as an adoption-competent therapist and adoptee, like to utilize is the puzzle. We look at the bright pieces - the support system the adoptee has, the pets, passions, relationships, accomplishments, things, and people the adoptee holds dear. But, we also create space and reflect on the missing or dark pieces - the trauma, the losses, the unanswered questions the adoptee may have depending on their unique story: Who do I look like? Do I have siblings? When is my birthday?
No matter where you are in our story, whether a child, teenager, or adult, adoption-competent therapy will meet you where you are and help support you toward growth, healing, and radical acceptance.
*Something to look to see if your therapist has completed: - "Training for Adoption Competency" - TAC.*
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